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WARNING: This is going to be ugly. It will involve art, but mostly it's a body and societal issue.

I am a big girl. And by big I mean I'm 340lbs and I'm 5'3". So I'm short and round all the way around. Luckily I still have a neck and my wrists don't have overhang or anything. Anyway. So I mostly wear a size 2xl or 3xl shirt depending on the company (most companies I can fit into the 2xl. But sometimes with Hot Topic clothes, I can fit into a XL) but with places like Walmart, I have to go up to a 4xl because they just recently changed their sizing chart so that instead of the 2xl being a 22/24, it's now an 18/20. Bull fucking shit. And I'm a gal of meager earnings so that's where I generally shop for clothes, so now it is very hard to find decent looking clothes in my size, and I'm usually left with those god awful printed tops with the half sleeves (ok seriously who puts those half-sleeves on a big shirt? No one, not even the wearer, wants to see their fat wings and elbow cleavage) or, hahaha, stiff button up shirts that when you sit down, POP OPEN the buttons and reveal your embarrassing tummy fat.

It is VERY hard to shop for clothes when you're big like I am. Yes I am aware of the stores like Lane Bryant that cater to big women, but they are overpriced, still don't carry the bigger sizes (I've seen size 14 stuff in there. SIZE 14 IS NOT FAT PEOPLE) for most things, and not only do I find they tend to cater to African American women's taste (i.e. bright colors, shiny shit, and just ghetto fabulous whatevers) the designers still design the clothes like they're made for smaller women. Short tops (I'm talking ones that when you move your arm from your side flash people your belly), the half sleeves, button ups, and even SHORTS. Dear fucking God people you do not put a heavy woman in SHORTS. Granted I have seen big women with gorgeous legs, but the thighs are always full of those fatty bulges that make you think of cottage cheese, and that's what I worry about showing off.

Because of my size, I do not wear pretty things. I just do not think I would look good in trendy, pretty, girly clothes because of my weight. I bulge everywhere, when I sit, I tend to look like a squished marshmallow in a s'more, and from the side I am very wide. I have no idea what my back view looks like, but I know my butt is something that needs to be hidden from everything. So when I buy clothes I usually don't go to places like Lane Bryant or Avenue, because none of their stuff is what I wear. I'm a jeans and teeshirt kinda gal. Problem is, they don't make jeans my size, so I settle for fake denim stretch pants. Big whoop, I don't care about pants that much. It's more an issue finding cool shirts ( I like shirts with witty sayings or funny pictures on them) in my size. Thankfully places like Threadless.com cater to big people and so I can get my fill.

What bothers me the most about this, however, is I have to buy from the Men's section. Why? Because little to no company ever makes plus size GIRL shirts. Now if it's unisex I don't really care, but still it bothers me. Does no one in society think that women can be big? Or do they think big women should be restricted to moomoos and othersuch things? So big guys get to have the cool shirts, but God forbid a girl my size should want maybe a shirt that says something like "girls rule" or whatever?

And another thing. How is it women get ragged about their weight more than men? I've never seen guys viciously ridicule eachother for having a beer belly or being chubby. Yeah they might make fat jokes and poke fun, but it's nothing like the awful shit I've gotten from other girls because of my weight. Yes I've had the occasional group of guys send one over to tell me one of his friends thought I was hot through giggles and snorts as a joke (hell I even fell for it once and half the school ended up knowing by the end of the week) but I have had girls sneer then talk about me behind my back, ridicule what I eat, call me vicious names, and proceed to tell me to put down the fork. Excuse me, Princess, I do not have an eating problem. I don't know why I'm big, I've always been big. Maybe it's genes, maybe it's a slow metabolism, maybe I'm big boned. Doesn't matter. But don't you damn well sit there and accuse me of getting this way by eating my weight in Little Debbie snacks and Krispy Kremes. I will fucking punch you in the pancreas and then rape your liver with a gerbil for assuming such a crude stereotype.

Speaking of, and this is where the art part comes in, the other day I was browsing the front page and saw this amateur photograph of a chunky woman(I say chunky because she was just big enough to have some tummy bulges) in her underwear and bra eating a burger. I think the artist description hinted at her eating it to gain weight or show off that she was fat. Looking through her gallery, I realized it was pretty much true. Her entire gallery was her in her skivvies showing off the weight she was slowly gaining and eating fattening foods. AND PEOPLE WERE ENJOYING THIS.

I have no problem with people who are attracted to bigger people. I know there's BBW porn and erotica sites and whatnot. I don't really care, since it's a way to show that at least some people like others that come in the bigger sizes. But to have a gallery on a place for ART exploiting someone and having them TRY to gain weight for someone's pleasure? I find that wrong, and pretty offensive. I didn't report her or anything (I had no grounds to since my opinion is not law) but it just left a bad taste in my mouth.

Another kind of "art" fetish/craze I find offensive is inflation art. In a roundabout sort of way it's like that girl's gallery where people draw characters blown up into balloon-like shapes or gorging themselves on food, helium, or (ugh) other people to fill their tummies to the brim and/or just give them a cartoonish round form. It's like her gallery because it's people being adored for a sick reason. In a way they're really like obese people, but it's like the law of gravity does not pertain to their form, or if it does it's exaggerated that is more an insult than a compliment. It's not others loving big people for their form. It's people loving a strange exploitation of a made up character, and I feel that's what society thinks it can do to us. We can be exploited, and we can be ignored.

Society thinks it's our fault, that we shouldn't be catered to, or if we should, we are the ones to pay out the ass (i.e. like gastric bypass surgery not being considered medical by most insurance companies, instead labeling it cosmetic, so that they won't cover a dime and you're left on your own with yet another debt just because you wanted your goddamn life back) for things like surgery or even those weight loss clinics. You can argue that we are being given the means to help ourselves through diet pills, gyms, or protein shakes, but you are wrong. First off, a good majority of diet pills on the market today are a bunch of bull or the side effects are not worth it. I tried that new fad Alli the beginning of last year, not only did I have to pay $100 for a week's supply (I got a prescription which was a stronger dosage, but same thing) but I can confirm those nasty rumors about what it does if you eat the wrong food. I ate chinese food one night (mostly broccoli, rice, noodles, and chicken. The chicken was fried, yes, but you can't tell me even the grilled shit isn't just as greasy) and for the next three days I had diarrhea like never before. Not only that, but it was a traffic cone orange. I had cramps constantly, too. No matter what I ate with those pills, I got the same results. So I was out $100 and I was shitting orange for a week.

Gyms are probably the most suggested solution. "Go to the gym." "Join the Y." Yeah yeah. Well, I took your advice, you people who think you can help, and let me tell you it is the most shameful place to be when you're big. I went to a gym that had a women's only section upstairs, and even that didn't help. I'm surrounded by women who are older than me and look fucking great. Yeah I know it takes years of dedication, but after about a month of being stared at by these women while I fumbled with the machines to try and work myself into shape, I stopped going. It's bad enough to go into a damn mall at this size. It's worse going into a place where thin people get thinner and more muscle-y and you are AUTOMATICALLY the odd one out because you're just starting. It's like a fucking clique.

And lastly, those diet/protein shakes. I want to barf right now at the memory of slurping those things down. For two years I replaced a meal with the Slimfast shakes. Back then it was just the generic strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla. I drank them cold. The strawberry wasn't too bad. It was like having a poorly made strawberry shake from a fast food joint that used strawberry flavored powder and two drops of milk followed by water to fill in the gap. Chocolate was just as bad, tasting like old chocolate milk. But vanilla. Oh boy. I checked the expiration date on the first one I drank. It was rancid milk followed by a heaping helping of fake vanilla that was so sweet it was tongue-searing.

TWO YEARS I GAGGED DOWN THOSE SHAKES. Did I shed a pound? NOPE.

Oh I've tried it all, society. Even your beloved diets. Eat veggies and fruit, don't eat fried things, fresh meat baked or grilled. No shrimps (cholesterol). Let me tell you, if you EVER want to torture someone, put them on a diet. I never craved so much bad shit in my life until I was on one. Sure they have sugar-free cakes and candies, but have you TASTED THOSE THINGS, SOCIETY? HAVE YOU? NO? WELL HERE, HAVE ONE AND ENJOY WONDERING IF YOU JUST ATE DIRT OR A NAPKIN. Diets never EVER work because of this. It's simple logic. You take away something, and even if they didn't want it before, you better believe they're gonna want the shit out of it once they can't have it. And the guilt is awful. You even LICK a cookie and you throw yourself into a fit a five year old would be ashamed to watch because you broke some unwritten law of God that said everything that tastes good is from the Devil's left testicle therefore you can't have it.

But still, Society, you give poor schmucks like me these useless quests, telling us if we stick to it, that maybe when we're 64 and wrinkled and too old to even sneeze without dust coming out, we can be thin and then we can finally fit in with the rest of you and skip merrily off into the sunset until we break a hip. Oh but wait, you don't give two shits about the elderly either, so I guess even then we're beyond your radar of awesomeness and therefore only have one mission in life: steal air and then fill a hole.

"It's unhealthy to be that big!" Someone from the back of the internet cries. Uh, no shit? Hence why a heaping number of big folks are throwing their money-stuffs at all these radical solutions. I mean Jesus Christ on a cracker with brie, people think we do not know we are a health risk. OH I'M FAT BUT I'M REALLY HEALTHY BECAUSE I'M INSULATED BY MY OWN INABILITY TO STOP GOING TO TACO BELL AND ORDERING THREE DOZEN BURRITOS AND THE SUPER NACHOS THEN HAVING A RACE WITH MYSELF TO SEE WHO CAN EAT IT ALL THE FASTEST WITHOUT SHITTING OUT MY LARYNX. We're all time bombs and we know that. Unless you're going to create the miracle cure for fat people, shut the hell up and have a twinkie.

"You're fat." And your secret identity must be Captain Obvious. Really, people? REALLY? YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THIS? I mean good God, it's not like you tell me this and I start crying because I NEVER KNEW. Or I thank you for warning me so I can find the bastard responsible. I AM CAPABLE OF MOVING MY NECK TO LOOK DOWN AND REALIZE ALL I SEE ARE TITS AND TUMMY AND NO TOES.

And my personal favorite from children "Are you pregnant?" Seriously if I had a nickel for every time I was asked this. In fact, I got asked this two days ago. Well really both my mom and I were asked this by a kid (I don't think he was all there mentally, but I was in a sour mood so whatever) and the mom didn't apologize. So I look at him and say, "why yes, we are. They're going to have the same father." It was THEN that the mother gets offended and drags her darling away from us. I don't blame the kid, some of them see pregnant women before they see fat people. But really lady, fuck you for not correcting your child and apologizing to me. Cuz really, kids can be the cruelest of them all, and if you don't inform them early on that being big is not a reason to kick the shit out of someone or tell them they were better off aborted, then you deserve to lose your privilege to reproduce or even do the act that results in new life.

Another thing I don't condone is lax parenting, which can lead to childhood obesity (like the famous case where some little girl was so big she looks like the Michelin Man because her parents just let her eat everything because oh they didn't want to be meaaaaan~) or behavioral problems. I personally have to deal with both (one more than the other) with my five year old cousin. EVERYONE but my mom and I just lets her eat and eat and eat. You know what she eats for dinner at a restaurant? SUGAR. PLAIN FUCKING SUGAR. This child also thinks she rules everything and everything's for her, but that's another rant. My point being, somewhere down the road if that isn't stopped, she's going to end up my size and miserable and she'll have no one to blame but her family (and herself for not righting it in time later). On a less personal level, you can see what I'm getting at. Parents who don't want to be hated by their child, or just outright don't give a flying fuck, are going to end up with a round monster. It's not always the case since schools do teach the food pyramid, how to eat healthy, and give pretty well balanced lunches (at least mine did) so the kid may learn that hey, eating pizza every three minutes all day isn't good for me.

In conclusion (if you read all this when you reply say "quack") society is a bitter and careless harlot who only thinks of vanity and money and so has turned her subjects into the very cunt she has evolved into. Those who do not fit the Hannah Montana/Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt mold are cast aside into the ditch and the others are told it is acceptable to perceive them as the lesser of the species with no rights to happiness and no chance at feeling remotely human.

Because, you know, fat people are really zombies in fat suits. We just haven't figured out that Big Mac isn't a brain.

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My Photography account:

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